The Life Altering Events of Professor RJ Lupin
by starmoony
Summary: A firsthand account of the events that our favorite werewolf will remember forever.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling. If I were, I would be richer than the queen, and Fred and George would have more lines causing hilarity to ensue wherever went. To be perfectly clear, I do not and never have owned Harry Potter, and unless my lemonade stand picks up soon, I probably never will.  
  
A/N: My first fic, hope you like it. Dedicated to Vivian, may Ron and Hermione realize they love each other at last. 

The proud parents looked down at me, exhausted but happy. There was a strange light in their eyes. A fierce, blazing hope that burned there. A hope for my future, a belief that I could do anything.

Although this mysterious light was absent throughout the latter part of my childhood, and gone completely from my adult years, I would always remember, or perhaps only imagine, the way they looked at me when I was new and unspoilt. When I could be anything; except for the monster that I would eventually become. 

I think that I might have been happy then. I must have been happy throughout my uneventful early childhood. However, perhaps happiness is not the best way to begin my story, as happiness has never been quick or easy in coming to me. My story only really begins with a bite.  
  
"I suppose that's where all this starts--with my becoming a werewolf. None of this could have happened if I hadn't been bitten...and if I hadn't been so foolhardy...."-PoA


	2. Blood and Chocolate

"'I was a very small boy when I received the bite. My parents tried everything, but in those days there was no cure.'"-PoA  
  
I was playing out in the front yard when I saw him. A patched, ragged looking man with graying hair and a lined face. He seemed so tired, and his whole body was limp and droopy as he trudged up the road. I stared, and he smiled and waved when he saw me looking. I waved back. I turned and watched as he continued to walk along, until finally he had disappeared into the woods.

As a six-year-old boy, there were three things that I knew beyond all possible shadow of a doubt. First, don't do magic in front of muggles, second, always clean your hands before dinner, and third, NEVER go into the woods behind the house.I glanced at the kitchen window, wondering if my mother had seen. If she had, then surely she would drag the man out by his ankles, as she was so fond of doing to me. It was very dangerous in the forest; my mother told me that the monsters lived there. I wanted to tell her about the man. Perhaps if I had, everything would have been different. Instead, I looked at the sky. The sun was setting, and the man wouldn't have long before it grew dark. I couldn't leave the man alone in the forest after dark. He had looked as if he could barely stand, let alone fight off vampires and werewolves.I knew about the dangers of the woods, and I had not stopped the man from going in. If anything happened to him, I was responsible. Steeling myself, I made up my mind. I would go into the forest and warn him.It was very cold, and I wished I had brought a sweater as I went hurtling into the space between two dark, ominously creaking trees in search of a man I didn't even know.  
I ran as fast as my little legs would carry me, and occasionally called out for him, just in case he was nearby. Finally, I stopped in a little clearing to catch my breath and nurse the stitch in my side.

"It must be very late," I said to myself. I glanced at the sky again, and was surprised to find that the setting sun had been replaced by a beautiful, pearly white full moon. I stared for a moment, transfixed by its beauty. I didn't even hear the telltale crashing through the underbrush that would change my opinion about the moon forever. I didn't know what was coming until it was already upon me.

The next thing I felt was something--something huge--slamming into my side. The wind was knocked out of me as I hit the ground hard. I felt hot, sickly smelling breath against my face and then, a piercing pain in my side that hurt more than anything and never stopped hurting. I felt something then--something poisonous, violent, and terrifying--coursing through my veins. As if from far away, I could feel myself being torn to pieces, but it didn't matter anymore, part of me was already dead and the rest was changed forever. I could see the blood, blood everywhere that the monster was lapping up eagerly. It took me a long moment to realize that the shrill, piercing sound that I kept hearing was my own voice, screaming.

It's probably what drew my father to the clearing. He ran towards me, white faced and shaking, drawing his wand and shouting words I couldn't comprehend, or was too far gone to make out. There was a jet of vivid green light, and the monster went limp in the middle of clawing off my leg. I closed my eyes, too exhausted by all the blood leaking out of me to hold them open any longer."Oh my God, Remus! Remus open your eyes! Oh God, Remus, please no, Remus!"I did pull open my eyes. I didn't want my father to worry. I managed to smile my best half smile at him, and some of his tears leaked onto my face as he lifted me over his shoulder and whispered, "Don't worry buddy...Get you to St. Mungo's...Get you all patched up."His voice drifted in and out of my head, maybe because he was sobbing or maybe because I was barely conscious. As he turned and hurried from the clearing, I got a glimpse of something shiny over his shoulder. Lush silver fur, wide yellow eyes, pointy ears pricked at attention.  
"That," I thought to myself, "is the most beautiful wolf I have ever seen."  
And with that final thought I passed out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
  
When I came to, I found myself in a very white room. My breathing was raspy, but I couldn't feel blood gushing out of me, and for a wild moment as the events of the night before came rushing back to me--the pain, the wolf, my father sobbing--I thought that perhaps it had all been a crazy dream.

I sat up quickly, which I soon realized was a terrible mistake because it felt as if my side had split open. I lay back down and inspected it, noticing that I had a large cloth bandage wrapped around my entire abdomen. I also noticed various deep scratch marks on my arms and legs, and felt a few stinging on my face."I must look like a mess," I thought. I rolled onto my other side, and that was when I saw it, flopped unceremoniously on the bed right beside mine--the wolf. I froze, every muscle in my body tensed.The wolf was still, in almost the same position I remembered from the woods. I hardly dared to breathe. Its gleaming silver coat shone beautifully, and the yellow eyes were still open wide.  
A minute passed, then another, the wolf didn't move. It didn't blink, it didn't breath, and I began to wonder. Was it even...alive? I thought hard, remembering the jet of green light. What had the words been? My heart sank, Aveda Kedavra. This beautiful, proud animal was dead because of me. I had been foolish, wandering into the dangerous woods that way. Why on earth had I wandered into the woods? I screwed up my face in an effort to remember.My thoughts were interrupted by a bang from down the hall. I could hear angry voices drawing closer. Terrified, not even knowing where on earth I was, I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes tightly."Please! Please, you have to let us see him!" cried a hysterical woman's voice. I recognized it as my mother's and opened my eyes at once, peering wildly around for her."I'm sorry Mrs. Lupin, but until we know for sure that it was a werewolf, we can't allow people near him. It's for your own safety you know, he might still be dangerous," said a cool female voice.

"He is not dangerous, he can't be dangerous, he's a six-year-old boy!" my father shouted.  
My mind was processing very fast. I may have been six but I was not stupid. They thought I had been bitten...by a werewolf. But that would mean that I would become--no, I couldn't be, I just couldn't be. I was afraid of werewolves. They were evil, dark creatures and I had always been taught to hate them. I couldn't BECOME one after all of that could I?

I reached down and touched my side. With a soft whimper of pain, I pushed down the bandage and saw deep gashes in the shape of teeth marks."Sunrise is due in only a few minutes, and then we will know for sure. Now Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, since you're already here, perhaps we can talk about options for dealing with your son. There is no cure for a werewolf's bite at the present time. If you take him home with you, you will need to have your home approved for transformations by the Ministry in order to protect yourselves and your neighbors. I have to warn you that werewolves require a lot of attention, they injure themselves to appease their violent tendencies if they are locked alone in a room during the full moon, as is required by law. There are also a whole host of other symptoms that I can get you a list of if you like. Your other option is to leave him here at St. Mungo's. You'll have to pay for his keep and everything of course, but during transformations there will be staff members on hand to restrain and subdue him so that he is sure not to hurt other people. If you don't want anything more to do with him, which is of course understandable, you can sign a form allowing us to test experimental medications on him and he can stay here free of charge."I stared at the ceiling, horrorstruck. A few minutes to sunrise, she had said. If this wolf transformed into a man...but no, it couldn't be. I wasn't anything like the nurse had described. I could barely get into an argument with my mum, let alone attack a hapless stranger wandering the forest on a full moon. Maybe, said a cruel voice in the back of my head, the violent tendencies come with time. That woman had talked about me as though I was some sort of animal. No, some sort of monster that lived in the forest for mothers to warn their little boys about.

For the first time that day, tears began to fall, not because of the pain but because of the way this woman that I didn't even know considered me a dark being too monstrous to be allowed to return home with my parents. I sobbed quietly into my pillow, it was all too much, yesterday I had been a normal little boy who liked to play with his toy broomstick, and now I was facing a life full of pain, suffering, and ridicule. It was all happening too suddenly.

Thankfully, my parents seemed to disagree with the nurse's views on werewolves, because they both started shouting at her so loudly that I couldn't really understand what they were saying. Or perhaps it was because they were using cursing too advanced for my young mind to comprehend.

I heard a loud CRACK from the direction of the wolf, and looked over quickly. It was still dead, but now it looked as though something awful was happening to it. Something that looked as though it involved quite a few bones snapping and muscles stretching to their limits. I shut my eyes, fighting off nausea at the sight, and when I opened them it wasn't a wolf, but the man I had tried to save from the woods. There he was, right beside me, his blue green eyes open wide and his mouth gaping in surprise.

I closed my eyes again and, unable to hold back any longer, retched over the side of my bed. My parents must have heard, because they stopped shouting at the nurse. I felt my mother's arms around me before I even heard the door bang shut. She stroked my hair and kissed my tearstained face.

"Don't worry Remus darling," she whispered, and I saw that she was trembling, "We'll have you out of this horrid place before you know it. I've brought you some chocolate, the doctor said it might help you feel a bit better so eat the lot. That's a good boy."  
I bit into the chocolate and experienced a warm, comfortable feeling from head to toe. My tears slowed a little, and I remembered my musings from earlier. Mother would know whether or not I was different--evil. Being a small boy, I asked the question in the only way I knew how.

"Mum," I said, realizing that my voice sounded very small in the echoing white room, "I haven't become...a monster have I?"

My mother's gentle face clouded over, and she bit her lip uncertainly. Her honey-brown eyes mirrored my own as she looked over my scratched, battered face. She took what felt like an age to consider, and finally seemed to come to a decision.

"No, Remus you are not and never will be a monster. If anybody ever tells you differently, don't you dare believe them. You can't help what you are darling, and there's nothing wrong with who you are," she brushed a strand of light brown hair behind my ear, "Anybody that really loves you will know that."

She stood up and walked to my father, who I realized stood frozen in the doorway, staring at the dead man.

"You had to," she said heavily, "He would have killed Remus. I would have done the same." My father nodded. Satisfied, she turned back to me. "Darling we'll finish the forms and get you out of here alright? And don't worry. I'm sure we'll find a way to fix this." She blew me a kiss and my parents left the room. I was alone again, but this time with a dead man instead of a dead wolf.  
As quickly as I could in my injured state, I crossed to him. His eyes were still open in a wide, eerie way that I knew would haunt my dreams for years to come. I reached out and touched his hand, it felt cold and smooth as marble. It wasn't his fault. None of this was his fault. He had been crazed and out of control--the way I would be. My heart twisted in fear at the thought of the grisly transformation.

"This isn't about me," I chided myself firmly, "This is about him."

Carefully, I pulled the blankets up to his chin, tucking them in around him. I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his forehead, and then brought up a shaking hand to close his eyes. I offered him comfort in the only way I knew how, the way my mother said goodnight to me. It was my fault. It had been all my fault and now I was paying very dearly for what I had done.

I clung to the man's hand until my parents returned and told me that we had to leave. As we exited the hospital, I heard my father say, "Don't be afraid Son. We'll find a way to fix this."

I nodded, but a part of me already knew that this would be my own cross to bear. Mine and an anonymous man who I felt closer to than anybody I had ever known.


	3. Interview with a Werewolf

"It seemed impossible that I would be able to come to Hogwarts. Other parents weren't likely to want their children exposed to me."--PoA  
  
Groggily, I opened my eyes a tiny crack, but quickly snapped them shut with a soft groan. Morning sunlight seeped through the chinks in the small, but magically reinforced, shed in the backyard.

The shed? Oh no--what happened last night? I didn't hurt anyone did I? I felt the familiar tang of blood in my mouth, but quickly realized that it was my own and spat it out in disgust. I opened my eyes again, satisfied that I had been safely locked up all night.

Now that I was sure that everyone else was safe, I could worry about myself. I moved to get more comfortable on the not particularly soft floor, but stopped as I felt horrible searing pain shooting up every nerve ending I had.

I kept still and assessed the damage. My leg felt broken, and my ankle was hanging at an odd angle. I had the usual deep rips and scratches, and probably two or three broken ribs. I stayed on the ground, waiting quietly and patiently until I heard my father's voice removing charms he had placed around the shed to make sure it was impenetrable. He finally got the door open and knelt down beside me as my mother hurried in.

"Hey mate," he said with a tired smile as he began mending bones. My mother sank down beside me too. She looked sad, and there were dark shadows under her eyes. I felt guilty; they had been up all night, probably worried that I would finally end up killing myself.

"Poor darling," my mother murmured, daubing my deeper cuts with an essence of murtlap tentacles, "I suppose the experimental Wolfsbane potion didn't help at all?"

I shook my head. It had seemed so sure to work. My parents believed, after much research, that the only potion that might help me was Wolfsbane, and they had me test it through all of its experimental stages.

"Oh well," she said with the same sad smile, "One of these days we'll find something for you."

"Some of these are look pretty nasty," said my father as they finished cleaning me up, "Sure you don't need to go to the hospital?"

I nodded quickly, while I had been taught not to take their intolerance to heart, I didn't like the way the doctors and nursed glowered at me as I had my injuries treated.

"Pity it had to happen today, too," my father said, shaking his head. My mother nodded in agreement. When they both saw my confused look at once, they burst out laughing.

My mother's expression became softer, as she reached out to push the hair out of my eyes. "Happy birthday, Remus. You know, it's not every day that a little boy turns eleven."

I smiled, it was true, I had been eleven for several hours and had just been feeling too under the weather to realize it. My parents completed the monthly ritual of rehabilitating me in silence. I thought of how good it was of them to keep me when they could have turned me over to the hospital.

We were a tight-knit little family. My parents were lovely people, although their co-workers would probably only be able to describe them as intensely private. The three of us had long since grown used to shutting other people out of our lives, after realizing that every time my secret came out, they wanted nothing more to do with us.

When we returned to the house, I sat at the kitchen table while my mother made chocolate chip pancakes and my father fetched a small pile of gifts from the broom closet. All of the experimental cures had not left us wealthy, but we appreciated what we had, which included a small but cozy house in Kent, my mother's excellent cooking, and each other.

I smiled contentedly. I was exhausted, but this was my favorite time, right after a full moon. My father set my presents down in front of me.

"Well, go on then," he said, rubbing his hands together with anticipation. I smiled at him, and reached for the first present. It was heavy and enormous. When I opened it, I saw that there were seven whole books inside. My mouth fell open in awe. Carefully, I pulled the first one to me. "A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration" by Miranda Gawshawk. I gave an excited grin.

"Brilliant! These should keep me occupied for months."

Both my parents were laughing, I didn't understand why, but they gestured for me to continue, so I reached for the next present and then the next one. With each one, I became more confused. They were certainly all very interesting, brass scales, a pewter cauldron, new robes, a collapsible telescope, and a box of assorted potions ingredients, but I couldn't imagine what they were for. I reached for the last one, and opened it to find a sweet little tawny owl sitting in a cage. This present was by far the most bewildering. I liked the little owl very much, but what on earth was it for? I stayed home with Mum during the day, and Dad sent a ministry owl at his lunch hour. I didn't have any friends to send a letter to. So what was the purpose of this owl? I looked at my parents, who were both grinning madly at me.

"And now," said my mother grandly, "for the best gift of all."

She handed me a birthday card. I took it curiously, and opened it to reveal a message written in emerald green ink.

Dear Mr. Lupin,  
I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Special arrangements have been made concerning your condition, and if you are interested in attending Hogwarts, we can set up a meeting to discuss them. Have a very merry birthday!  
  
-Albus Dumbledore

I stared at the letter for several seconds in complete disbelief before letting out a whoop of glee and running to hug my parents. We had been sure that it would be too dangerous for me to be allowed. We wrote back straight away, and requested an audience with Dumbledore the following week.

The night before my big interview, I couldn't sleep a wink. I was up late, wondering whether Dumbledore was meeting me the next day just to tell me that sending an acceptance letter had been a horrible mistake, or worse, some sort of joke. I had so convinced myself that something catastrophic would happen, that when I found myself in Dumbledore's office, brushing the floo powder off my robes, I was prepared for the worst.

That is probably why, when I saw Dumbledore smiling benignly at me, his piercing blue eyes twinkling over half moon spectacles, I was shocked. I had expected him to look much more menacing, and possibly sport an "I hate werewolves" badge of some sort.

Instead, he stood and extended his hand to me. "Hello Remus. It's lovely to meet you at last." I shook his outstretched hand. He turned to greet my parents, and then gestured for all of us to sit.  
"Now, I have told you about making special arrangements for your stay at Hogwarts, Remus," he said seriously, reaching into his desk. He pulled out a small folder and passed it to my parents. "Our herbology teacher has kindly ordered one of these for us to plant at the entrance to a house I have purchased in Hogsmeade for Remus to transform in." He went on to explain the Shrieking Shack and the way the Whomping Willow operated. I had never felt happier, it hadn't been a cruel joke; he had really made arrangements for me! There wasn't anything that could prevent me from going to school now, except for my parents who were looking more worried by the second as Dumbledore continued his speech. When he finally asked, "Do you have any questions?" they exchanged furtive looks and paused as if unsure how to continue.

"Well Headmaster," my mother began, smoothing my hair absently, "Mr. Lupin and I would do anything so that Remus could come to school, but I'm afraid that we can't afford all these arrangements. Of course, we could pay you over time if you wouldn't mind."

She bit her lip nervously, Dumbledore frowned. I felt so stupid, of course it would be very expensive to buy a rare tree and a house in Hogsmeade, I should have thought of that.

"There is no reason for you to pay for anything. I have merely done my duty as Headmaster by expanding the Hogwarts facilities, they should have been made werewolf accessible years ago," he said sternly.

Now it was my father's turn to frown. "We can't ask you to do that, Sir," he said softly, eyes downcast.

"Well," said Dumbledore with a heavy sigh, "I'm afraid that I already have, and it really would be a shame to waste all of these new facilities." He looked up at the ceiling, twiddling his thumbs while my parents argued with themselves.

Finally, Mum and Dad beamed at him, and Dumbledore smiled back.

"And you, Remus, do you have a question?"

I jumped in my seat, how had he known that all this time I had been arguing with myself about a question I wasn't sure that I should ask. However, now that everyone was looking at me with an expectant grin, I couldn't just keep silent.

"Well Professor," I said, choosing my words carefully so that he wouldn't see how much this question meant to me, "I'm sure it's important for the students to know what a threat I am so that they can avoid me, but I wondered if you had to tell them. I swear that I won't ever get too close to anybody, you don't have to worry about people finding out. But I would really rather they didn't know. You see, the people back at home knew, and they didn't really like me..." I let the sentence trail off at the memory of angry villagers throwing rocks through our windows, and cruel older boys who would pummel me into unconsciousness every time I went to the store. I crossed my fingers in the pocket of my robes while Professor Dumbledore surveyed me in silence.

When he spoke, he sounded very grave. "You have had a difficult life Remus. It is nobody's fault, but it is unfair that one so young should have to endure so much. I will not tell the students about your condition, but there are people in this world that you can trust, and I hope you can learn that here. You do not have to be afraid Remus. I assure you that you will be very safe at Hogwarts while I am Headmaster."

I nodded. Dumbledore was a very nice man, but if he thought I would be able to trust anybody, he obviously didn't know how much hatred the entire wizarding world had for people like me. We said a polite goodbye and left Dumbledore's office.

I was, of course, thrilled at being allowed to attend Hogwarts, but every time I marked another day off my calendar, I thought of Dumbledore's parting words. Could I learn to trust people? Could I maybe even make a friend? At the same time, I felt guilty for these thoughts. I was a danger to myself and others. I didn't deserve friends.

"You're not a monster," I told myself, as I often did, only half believing it. "And even if you are one, you still get to go to Hogwarts."


	4. The Little Werewolf that Could

"He said that as long as we took precautions, there was no reason I shouldn't come to school..."--PoA  
  
Steam billowed from the front of the magnificent scarlet train, and somebody called, "Five minutes to board!"

My mother flung her arms around me, holding me so tight I couldn't breathe. "Now, remember to send us an owl to let us know you arrived safely. I'll see you at Christmas. Oh, I'm going to miss you so much," she cried, planting a kiss on my cheek."Now now dear, don't cry, Remus is a big boy," said my father, dabbing at his eyes with his handkerchief."Don't worry," I said, after my mother released me and I had several good gulps of air. "I'll send Tawny with loads of letters about my new classes." I smiled at them both, "I'd better get going if I want a good compartment." I was enveloped in one more stranglehold by my mother, given a milder hug from my father, and climbed, at last, aboard the Hogwarts Express. A stupid smile spread across my face; it still felt like a dream to be going to Hogwarts.The first compartment that I checked was already full of people. They were all very haughty looking people, and I turned to go, not liking the look of them."Hey!" cried an older looking boy with silver blonde hair, "Who are you?"

"Oh, hello, I'm Remus Lupin."

"Lupin," said a tough looking but rather small boy, "That's an old wizarding surname. Are you a pureblood?"

I shifted uncomfortably, not really liking this line of questioning.

"I believe Rodolphus asked you a question," sneered a girl with beautiful dark hair and a very ugly expression.

"Er--my mum's a muggle born, but yeah, my dad is from a pureblood line." I looked behind me, searching for a discreet way to exit.

"That's not so bad I suppose. There may be hope for you yet," said a pretty blond girl wearing a stuck up look, "Are you hoping to be sorted into Slytherin? Snape here is." She gestured towards a sallow, hook-nosed boy with greasy hair sitting in the corner, scowling up at me.  
Thankfully, at that moment the whistle blew and the train began to move.

"I'd better go and find a compartment," I said hastily, "See you all later."

Now there would surely be no compartments left. Very luckily, the last compartment on the train was empty, and I hauled my trunk inside. I pulled out my favorite of the schoolbooks, the one for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and began to read. I found the entire subject fascinating, except for the last chapter, which talked about the different ways to recognize and kill me.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?" asked a very pretty girl with long red hair and vivid green eyes, standing hesitantly in the compartment doorway.

"Not at all," I said politely, though inside I was thrilled to have a bit of company, "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Thanks, I'm Lily Evans. I really need a place to sit. There's some show-offy loons following me from compartment to compartment," she shook her head in annoyance, causing her lovely red hair to sway, catching the light. I smiled at her, unsure what to say really, but was spared having to answer by the most life changing event of all.

Two boys burst into the compartment. At first, I wasn't even sure that was what they were as they tumbled over each other in their haste to get in. However, when they separated a bit, I was able to discern different features in each of them.

The first boy was a bit taller than me. He had incredibly untidy black hair sticking out every which way, and warm hazel eyes that sparkled with devilish amusement. The other boy was almost a whole head taller than me. He was very handsome; his sleek black hair fell elegantly into his deep blue eyes.

I opened my mouth to speak, but the red haired girl beat me to it.

"I've TOLD you to leave me alone! I've told you a thousand times. Don't you ever LISTEN?! What you did to that poor boy was rude and pointless, and I don't want to be friends with either of you if that's the kind of people you are."

The one with hazel eyes hung his head, but the handsome one let out a short, bark like laugh.  
"James and I apologized to Pettigrew like you asked us to. And it was only a friendly prank after all, I think that he'll survive."

"Yeah, we just wanted to apologize to you because you seemed so angry," said the boy called James, "It isn't as if we were pranking YOU anyway. What do you care?"

"I happen to care about other people besides myself!" cried Lily, her face going red. She turned on her heel, "It was nice to meet you, Remus, I hope I see you around." As she stormed out, she tripped on the hem of her robes, and fell to the floor in a very undignified lump. The handsome boy laughed, and the other one made to help her up, but she swatted his hand away furiously.

"Are you alright Lily?" I asked, concerned.

"Fine!" she cried, getting up and completing her dramatic exit with the most dignity she could muster.

"A lovely show James, you're a real ladies man, why didn't I guess?"

"Oh shut it Sirius," said James dreamily, "She really is quite a firecracker isn't she?"

The one called Sirius shot James a deeply disgusted look, and sat down across from me.

"He's only just met her and he's already completely obsessed," he said conspiratorially to me, as though we had known each other for years, "It's unhealthy really if you ask me."

"Shut it Sirius!" James said again, with a bit more emphasis, as though coming out of a trance,

"Oh, sorry, we haven't even introduced ourselves! I'm James Potter, the handsomest, bravest, noblest most debonair fellow you could ever meet. Oh yes, and this here's Sirius."

Sirius glared at him. I couldn't help but laugh at the boys and their antics. If I ever had friends, I thought wistfully to myself, they would be just like James and Sirius, who were now bantering animatedly and shoving each other about to get more room in their seats.

"Anyway, what's your story mate?" asked Sirius. I started; I thought they had forgotten about me. I was once again uncomfortable, not liking to talk about myself much for obvious reasons.

"I'm Remus Lupin, and um, I'm a first year as well," I said, hoping this would be enough and they wouldn't ask me any more questions. It seemed to be, because James grinned.

"Excellent, maybe we'll all be sorted into the same house eh?" I grinned back.

Over the next few hours, I found out a lot of information about James and Sirius. For one, they were both very bright, and already knew loads of enchantments that they couldn't wait to test out at Hogwarts. I found out that James loved his family, while Sirius hated his, and I learned that they had met while escaping from their respective families in Diagon Alley. They were both rowdy pranksters, and enjoyed a good joke on an innocent bystander. Their most recent exploit, from what I could gather through their laughter, involved a tricky little charm that James' mother had taught him to bleach stained clothes. Sirius' cousin Narcissa, who I realized was the stuck up looking girl from the first compartment I had tried, was apparently very taken with her appearance, and was to be the target of the clothes bleaching charm. Unfortunately, a boy called Peter Pettigrew had gotten in the way, and was now walking about the train with perfectly snowy white clothes. Lily Evans had seen Sirius and James picking on innocent little Peter, and had taken them for bullies right away, although James gave a tragic account of the extreme sadness he felt about her getting the wrong opinion of him, through which Sirius made exaggerated gagging sounds.

In turn, the boys seemed to absorb a few things about me. They didn't ask for any more information, because as soon as they asked about me I quickly turned the subject to something else, and they seemed to accept the fact that I was rather private individual and didn't attempt to pry, which I was grateful for. They also, to my great delight, seemed to understand my rather wry sense of humor, and appreciate it. Their fits of merriment at my dry comments were a great improvement over the usual quizzical looks I got. Or perhaps it was only that they were in a permanent state of impossibly high spirits. Whatever they were, I liked them very much.

When the train came to a stop, the three of us changed into our school robes and hurried outside to get a view of Hogwarts. James and Sirius rushed over each other and caused general chaos wherever they went, and it took me a great deal of strength to hold James back when he got it into his head that it would be a good idea to take a nosedive into the incredibly cold Great Lake.

The stars twinkled above us as we climbed into magical boats that floated on their own towards the enormous, glittering castle that was Hogwarts.

"Wow," squeaked mousy little Peter Pettigrew who we had ended up sharing a boat with. James and Sirius had apologized again for their prank, Sirius somewhat reluctantly, and Peter had only nodded, looking completely terrified of them.

All the first years entered the great hall, shivering and huddling together. Everyone looked nervous, except for Sirius, James, and I. Sirius' cousin Andromeda had told him about the Sorting Hat, and he had related the information to us so that we were spared the fear that we would have to fight a dragon to get into a house at Hogwarts.

A stool stood at the front of the room, and Professor McGonagall, a strict looking middle-aged woman came in with a very battered looking old hat and a roll of parchment. She placed the hat on the stool, and everyone in the hall looked expectantly at it as it began to sing.  
  
"Oh, I may be worn and tattered, But I'm here to help you out, Don't judge because I'm battered, That's no reason to pout, For I'm the greatest hat of all, As you will come to see, I'll sort you in this very hall, Into the house where you should be, Will it be noble Gryffindor? So great, and so courageous, Or will you be in crafty Slytherin? I hope they aren't contagious, If not, try wise old Ravenclaw, Where dwell the truly smart, Or kindly, cheerful Hufflepuff, For those of gentle heart, Try me on and you will find, The house where you belong, I will know where you should go, And that concludes my song!"  
  
The hall burst into applause, and all of the other first years looked intensely relieved that all they had to do was try on a hat. Professor McGonagall began to call names off the roll of parchment.

"Anderson, Clarence," she called. A small, nervous looking boy stumbled to the front of the group and put the hat on his head. The hat took a moment to consider and then called out for the whole hall to hear, "RAVENCLAW." One of the tables exploded with applause, and the boy looked relieved and turned to take a seat. I watched intently, butterflies floating around in my stomach as two girls got sorted into Slytherin, and looked up in alarm when McGonagall called, "Black, Sirius." Sirius let a lazy grin spread across his perfect features as he sauntered up to the hat. It took a long time, nearly five minutes, before the rip in the brim opened and shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

The table to my left began cheering and applauding as Sirius took an audacious bow and jogged over. I wondered if I was the only one that noticed the way he glanced furtively at the Slytherin table, where most of the haughty people were either scowling or looking dumbfounded. Lily Evans also became a Gryffindor, but I was too nervous to pay much attention. Finally, I heard, "Lupin, Remus," and walked quickly up to the hat, acutely aware that I was shaking and trembling in front of the entire school.

Carefully, I lowered the ancient hat over my eyes, obscuring the Great Hall in darkness.

"Well, well," said a little voice in my ear, "You're a unique one aren't you? Very intelligent though, shall I put you in Ravenclaw? Then again, you are a very noble boy. Almost too noble to allow yourself any happiness in fact. Well, those rowdy friends of yours will straighten you out. Remember this though; there are dark times ahead. Do not be deceived, the ones you truly love will not betray your trust, only the ones that you do not bother to notice. I know that you will be very happy during your seven years in GRYFFINDOR!"

I smiled as I took the seat beside Sirius at the Gryffindor table, but I didn't understand the hat's message at all. I was worrying about it until James got sorted into Gryffindor without the hat even having to properly touch his head. Then he and Sirius distracted me with ideas for pranks to play on the Slytherins, our new official house enemies, even though they were already unofficial targets to Sirius. We didn't even notice Peter Pettigrew had come up behind us until he began laughing at our jokes.

We were shown up to our room by the prefects. My bed was between Sirius and the wall, and to my chagrin, I was right below a large picture window. I stared up, transfixed for a moment by the waning moon, before my thoughts were interrupted by Sirius jumping on my bed.

"So, how about it Remus?" asked Sirius, and when I blinked stupidly at him he decided to elaborate, "If we leave now, we'll be able to catch the last people going to their common rooms, then we'll find out all the locations and passwords."

James grinned deviously at me, and even little Peter seemed to have decided to tag along. I could hear the alarm bells going off in my head. Not the obvious alarm bells that a boy would get when he was considering sneaking out after hours on his first night at a new school, but it was something about the hopeful, expectant way they were looking at me. They looked as if...as if they wanted to be my friends. That was the reason I should say no. Kindness was acceptable, pity was tolerable, but I drew the line at friendship. Friendship was too much. For all their jokes and pranks, they were not stupid. If we were friends, they would figure it out...and also I might get too attached only to have my hopes crushed again. For once though, I ignored the alarm bells. One midnight excursion did not mean that we would have to be friends forever right? Still, I felt guilty as I nodded and followed my three newfound comrades out into the common room.

"Of course you WOULD want friends," said the mean little voice in the back of my head, "Wolves are PACK animals after all."

"Shut up," I said under my breath, "I can have some friends as long as they don't get too close. I'm not a monster."

"What was that Remus?" asked James from behind me.

"I-I-er-nothing. It's nothing," I stammered. He only nodded and bounced ahead cheerfully, but something told me he was already a bit suspicious.

When all of the Slytherins came down to breakfast the next morning with red and gold flashing robes, I smiled with pride. I had read about the theory behind the N.E.W.T. level Protean charm, but didn't think I would be able to perform it until my fourth or fifth week at least. It had been quite brilliant really, when James and Sirius had bewitched the robes of a third year Slytherin boy that they disliked, Lucius Malfoy, I had performed the Protean Charm so that the effects would spread to every robe in Slytherin house.

All the voices at the Gryffindor table were awed as they said things like, "Who DID this?" and "They should receive an award for special services to the school!"

Yes, it had been very amusing last night, and even now my three partners in crime were in silent hysterics around me. Still, in the light of day I was concerned. Perhaps Dumbledore would judge me more harshly than the other students because he had made such special allowances for me. I looked nervously up at the high table, and found Dumbledore, watching the grumpy Slytherins file into the Great Hall with a bemused expression on his face. I could swear he winked at me.

"Wow," said Peter, as he often did, "We really are a brilliant team."

"Yes," agreed Sirius, a devilish grin gracing his handsome face, "Let the games begin."

Still, James' words were the ones that struck us all as true. "I think..." James began, quoting the only muggle movie that he had ever seen, "that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


	5. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing ...

4. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth  
  
A/N: Thank you to the three random, kind people who reviewed for me. Now, I know that you're all busy people here, and I really appreciate you reading my story, and I'd also really like to know what people think of it. If you like it, I'd love to hear about it and I'll continue writing, if not, well I don't want to pollute the Internet with a story nobody likes. So, the point is that I would really like some reviews please and thank you very much.  
  
"'Now, my three friends could hardly fail to notice that I disappeared once a month. I made up all sorts of stories. I told them my mother was ill, and I had to go home to see her..."  
  
They suspected. I could tell by the way their eyes followed me when they thought I wasn't looking and the skeptical expressions I received when offering another stupid excuse for leaving on the full moon. It wasn't that they were angry with me or cruel to me, in fact they were exactly the opposite. They were the best friends I'd ever had.  
That's why it was so awful; it was difficult to lie to them, to keep secrets from them, when obviously they knew something was wrong. I had tried a few times to just cut all ties with them, to make things easier for everyone. They wouldn't have to associate with a werewolf, and I would be spared the heartbreak of them finding out the truth. It never worked out. Either I couldn't execute my plan at all because I wanted to hang on to the only real friends I had ever known, or they just wouldn't let me, following me around for days and acting normally towards me after I told them I would rather be alone from now on to, "devote more time to my studies." Part of me refused to lose them, and I cursed and thanked that part at the same time.  
When I returned from my first visit to the Shrieking Shack, they had been worried about me when I didn't come back from detention the night before. I told them that I had fallen asleep cleaning out the dungeon. They asked why I had new cuts and scars all over my face, and I said that I had taken a tumble down the flight of stone steps leading to the potions room. Thank goodness they hadn't noticed the limp, or seen any injuries besides those on my hands and face. I was a terrible liar, and I have no idea how I might have explained those away. Still, the thing that bothered me most was that after the very first time, my new friends already knew that something was wrong.  
Now, six months of visiting my sick Mum, getting all night detention, and having to spend the night in the hospital wing with a cold or flu, I knew they couldn't be far from the truth. When I was with them, joking and sneaking about the castle under the invisibility cloak that James had received for Christmas, I never even thought about being a werewolf. However, late at night, when the curtains of my four poster seemed to close in around me accusingly, my stomach twisted in knots of fear at the thought of them finding out the truth.  
One night like this, falling asleep with these troubled thoughts, I had a dream. Usually my dreams consisted of vague recollections of wolves, the moon, and horrible agony, but that particular night was different. It was a dream I would have again many times and always remember clearly.  
The wolf was lapping up blood; blood was all that it ever thirsted for. It let out a gleeful whine as it experienced something that it never had before. New blood. It's teeth met with something crunchy, and the wolf looked down at the offending article. It was shiny, and glass from the broken lenses had pierced the wolf's mouth. The wolf let out a furious howl. Someone was sobbing, huddled against the wall. Another person. New blood. Someone else to feel the pain the wolf felt. The horrible pain the moon made it endure.  
"James," the new blood whispered brokenly, "How could you do this to JAMES you monster?!"  
The wolf wasn't listening. It moved slowly towards the last person left to it, but the dark haired boy was too quick. The boy darted out of his hiding place and prised a wooden board off of the window, revealing the full, yellow moon. The wolf howled and ducked away from the sight as though it had been burned. As it staggered back, it tripped over the pudgy blond haired boy, it's first taste of new blood.  
The boy with dark hair, the new blood, hurried back to duck behind a giant, full-length mirror. This time, the wolf was faster. Knocking over the mirror in the process, it grabbed the boy's leg with it's teeth, and with one hard bite, filled the foolish human with the curse that had caused it pain for so long. Howling with triumph, it turned to face the shattered mirror. It wasn't a wolf that looked out at it from the thousand pieces of glass scattered across the floor, it was only a boy. A frail boy with light brown hair and blood on his hands.  
"NOOOO!" I sat up, gasping and shaking, breathing hard and fast. The sheets were twisted all around me, and I felt cold and clammy as I slowly realized that it was a nightmare. Only a nightmare. That was when I noticed the hand on my shoulder. Another reached out to brush the sweaty hair out of my eyes. I looked up to see the owner.  
"I know we're good looking, mate, but that's no reason to go dreaming about us," said James, his groggy bespectacled face peering around Sirius at me. Sirius removed his hand from my shoulder quickly, but the look on his face was one that I had never seen before. Was ?  
"You're starting to look really peaky again Remus," he said, surveying me critically, "I think you should go to the hospital wing. You look terrible."  
"No!" I exclaimed, a bit too quickly, I already felt stupid enough having a nightmare in front of them, "I'm fine. It was just the bad dream." I knew full well that the achiness, shivers and sore muscles had nothing to do with the nightmare, and everything to do with the waxing moon. It would be full tomorrow. Suddenly, I remembered James' words when I first woke up.  
"What exactly did I-erm-say?" I asked nervously, praying that my stupid subconscious had said nothing to reveal me.  
"Well you were thrashing around a lot and yelling, we were going to come wake you then, but you started shouting out our names. 'James, Sirius--no. Not them, not them--please' is all I could remember hearing. I guess that Sirius and I were in danger in your dream," James said shrewdly.  
"Well, that proves your true friendship then, doesn't it?" Sirius said cheerfully, his concerned air melting away, "Rescuing someone in mortal dream danger is definitely a sign that you don't find us half as annoying as you pretend to. Which is good really, because it's difficult to tell with you."  
"That's right. You're so secretive all the time. You don't have some big awful thing you're hiding, do you?" James joked.  
"Because you know Remus, it wouldn't matter if you did..."  
Oh no, they were looking worried again. This was such dangerous territory. How had I ended up here?! "If I had a secret, I wouldn't tell you," I hissed, with venom that I did not feel. I had to protect them.  
"Remus," Sirius said kindly, though he looked rather hurt, "You're just upset right now after having that nightmare. Go on back to sleep, James and I will sit here with you. We actually have some plans to discuss concerning a certain greasy haired git. We have to pay him back for that bat-bogey hex he put on Peter last week."  
Listening to Sirius' soothing words, I felt the nervous tension seep out of me, and felt guilty for being so harsh with two of my best friends in the world. I smiled apologetically.  
"You guys are too good to me," I said drowsily, and they beamed down at me. For a while, I listened to them talking quietly, and I was beginning to drift off, lulled into the feeling of safety and comfort that only their boisterous voices and muffled laughter could bring.  
"I reckon he's asleep now," I heard Sirius murmur, but it was faint and far away, hardly scratching the surface of my consciousness. My bed creaked as both boys stood.  
"Yeah, I guess we can get some sleep too. I don't know if I can though, I'll be worrying about him. D'you think he was dreaming about...hurting us?" James was uncertain, the back of my mind registered. That was odd, I mused dreamily, he was always so sure of himself.  
"Well, if he was, then he was really regretting it," Sirius replied darkly, "I just wish that he would tell us, I mean, Dumbledore probably told him not to go blabbing to people, but I thought he trusted us by now."  
"Sirius, he probably doesn't want to tell us because he's afraid of what we'll think, and he's afraid of hurting us. For Merlin's sake, he was having a NIGHTMARE about hurting us. Do you think that those books were telling the truth? I mean about how much pain it causes to, you know, change?"  
"Well, he looks peaky all the time after, and he gets a bit banged up, but I guess we'll know for sure tomorrow."  
But I wasn't paying half the attention I should have been. I was already on my way to dreamland. I know I heard, because I remembered the conversation years later, but when I awoke the next morning, I had forgotten every warning detail.  
  
"I have a question for you, Lupin," Severus Snape said over his steaming, perfectly orange potion. I looked down at my own with a sigh. It was a vivid yellow color and was beginning to give off purple steam. Professor Tudley, our very old and often rather senile potions master, would probably be out to get me after I had helped James and Sirius change her hair into different interesting shapes while they were bored in class last week.  
I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the familiar burning behind my eyes that often bothered me before a full moon. My arm ached as it stirred the potion, which I had already written off as a failure, slowly and mechanically. I was actually breathing heavily with the effort.  
"I SAID that I have a question for you Lupin!" Snape cried shrilly. I turned my aching eyes to glare at him, but James got there first. Putting a friendly arm around Snape, James smiled at the class, which had grown very attentive as it always did when one of the exciting first year Gryffindor boys took the stage. The audience was never disappointed. James gave Lily Evans, who was trying to act like she was concentrating very hard on her potion, a special wink. She scowled at him.  
Unperturbed, James turned his attention back to Snape. "Snivellus!" he cried, using the nickname that he had invented on the third day of school. Snape hated all four members of our little group of friends for some inexplicable reason, but he and James shared a special enmity. Perhaps it was Snape's constant comments about Peter's stupidity, Sirius' betrayal of his respectable pureblood family, and James' arrogance. If there was anything that I had learned about James during our sixth months together, it was how loyal he was to his friends. This of course, was something that I was convinced that I would eventually have to live without, so I was glad that Snape didn't seem to have an established insult for me. Though it was probably only because very little was known about me to begin with.  
"You can ask your question in a minute Snapey," James said, waving a hand dismissively, "First, I have a question for you. Is it contagious, being a greasy, ugly git, or did you just inherit it from your mother?" Even senile Professor Tudley snorted into her example potion. Snape looked as though all his dignity had been knocked out from under him.  
"Just wait, Lupin," he hissed to me, so that it couldn't be heard over the class' laughter, "I'm going to find out where you went last month. Leaving the Hogwarts grounds without permission from a teacher? You'll be expelled for sure." With that, he stomped back to his own cauldron, but left James, who was partnering me on our concoction, staring at me with a confused look.  
"When did you leave the grounds?" he asked, sounding very perplexed.  
"I haven't," I lied quickly and probably quite badly, "You know Snape, any excuse to get us into trouble. He's just making it up." Still, my hands shook as I cut up my ginger roots, and James looked very far from convinced.  
  
"C'mon Remus, you have to eat something!" James cried, waving a jug of pumpkin juice around and "inadvertently" sloshing half of it over a passing Hufflepuff third year, who took it in silence, not wanting to be the target of our next prank. James waved the jug around in what he clearly thought was an appetizing manner. I felt the need to throw up.  
"Trying to dance Potter?" came a scalding voice from down the table, "Well, now I see why you can never get yourself a girlfriend." Lily Evans sat down beside Alice Prewett, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder. James stared at her, and I saw his eyes flicker with a strange kind of passion that normally one only saw when he was talking about Quidditch or pranks. He and Lily had become sworn enemies since their first day of lessons, when he had beat her in Transfiguration and she had beat him in Charms. Now they vied to be the head of every class, except for Defense Against the Dark Arts, which was neutral territory, and therefore claimed by me.  
"My, my, cutting remark there, Evans. However, as you are my love, my life, my sole reason for existing, I think I'll let it slide. Besides, you know that the reason I have no other girlfriends is because I live only to woo you," James said, gesturing dramatically and hurling himself down at her feet while the Gryffindor table roared with laughter. She rolled her eyes at him.  
Now was the time to leave, while James was distracted bantering with Lily. "Sirius, Peter, I'm actually not feeling very well. I think that I had better go and see Madam Pomfrey. Let James know, would you?" Peter nodded and continued scarfing down his dinner, but Sirius looked up at me, his blue eyes piercing.  
"No, no Remus, I'll go with you. You shouldn't go up to the hospital wing by yourself," he said, sounding as though he was choosing his words carefully. Something was not right with him.  
However, shaking it off in my haste to get away from people before the full moon, I only said, "Oh, I'm sure I can manage," and hurried away so fast that he couldn't get up in time to follow. I arrived at the hospital wing sweating and breathing heavily. I already felt drained and exhausted, and the prospect of spending the next twelve hours tearing myself to pieces was decidedly unpleasant. Madame Pomfrey, the pretty young school nurse, greeted me with a smile.  
"Hello Mr. Lupin, you're always so prompt, what an admirable quality in a young man these days," she gave me an approving smile, "Well, shall we head down to the shack then?" I nodded my head vigorously, and we left the castle and began to walk towards the tree far away on the chilly grounds. As we walked, I felt as if something was off, and kept turning around to be sure we weren't being followed. No, I told myself, it was only Snape's stupid warning playing tricks on my mind, but still I couldn't help worrying that something was wrong.  
Once in the Shrieking Shack, Madame Pomfrey put a comforting hand on my shoulder and murmured, "Don't worry dear, it'll all be over soon. I'll be here first thing in the morning to patch you up. See you tomorrow." She closed, bolted, and charmed the door after closing it behind her. This was the time I liked least. The time when I knew a full moon was coming, and couldn't do anything but wait. I paced idly about the room a little, taking in the battered furniture and deep claw marks on the walls. I noticed that the blood had been cleaned since last time, which was quite nice, made it made the place look more haunted than violent. I was finally beginning to feel the telltale waves of pain that meant the moon was getting ready to rise, when there was a noise from a corner of the room.  
"Who's there?!" I called out in horror, turning sharply to face the offending corner. I heard frantic muffled whispering, and my eyes widened as I realized what was going on.

"James...Sirius," I whispered, praying that it was only a hallucination. It wasn't. The invisibility cloak was whisked off, and there they stood. In the middle of the Shrieking Shack. My mind screamed in protest. This could not be happening. How was this happening?  
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!" I shouted, sounding totally hysterical, even to myself.  
"Finding out the truth," Sirius said, and for once his face was grim, "You've been lying to us all year. We figured out what you are on the last full moon, but we've come to see for ourselves. We don't care if it's true, Remus, we just wanted to know for sure. So we followed you down here for the night."  
"No!" I cried, "No, you don't understand, you have to get out!" At that moment, I felt an intense wave of pain rip through me. Damn! I fell to the floor, moaning and sobbing in agony as another gripped me. James moved forward and grabbed my shoulder.  
"Remus...Remus mate, are you alright?!" he looked frantic, "We didn't mean to panic you! It's alright if you're a werewolf, we don't care, we just wanted to be sure."  
"GET...OUT!!!!" I roared with the last of my strength, as I felt the bones in my legs begin to snap and regrow, a look of comprehension dawned on their faces, but they continued to stare at me, transfixed by the gruesome sight.  
I couldn't hold back anymore. All I could do was whisper, "Please...get out...I'll hurt you." Then the pain took over completely and my screams filled the shack. The last thing I remember was James taking a step back, a horrified look on his face.  
  
A/N: blah, I know you're sick of hearing from me. Just wanted to let you know that it's only a cliffhanger because I consider the events that follow a separate life-changing event. So, once again, reviews are appreciated, "let me know how I'm driving."


	6. Hogwarts students are friends, not food

5. Hogwarts students are friends not food

A/N: Yes, I am finally updating, and yes it is a Finding Nemo reference. Thanks to the reviewers! Alex, thanks for reviewing twice, feeling a bit heartened now.

"...I was terrified they would desert me the moment they found out what I was. But of course, they, like you, Hermione, worked out the truth..." –POA

_Two defenseless boys huddled in the corner of the shack. The one with hazel eyes was sobbing, and the one with long hair stared in horrified disbelief. They were looking at me. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to kill them a lot. _

"_Remus," whispered the hazel-eyed boy, "We-we had no idea. Are you alright?" He stretched out a hand to me. I snapped at it. He pulled back; I could smell the fear on him._

"_R-Remus," asked the other boy cautiously. I wished they would stop saying that. It sounded so familiar. It almost made me want to kill them less. Not that much less. I snarled at them. I felt the hackles on my back rising. Now was the time to taste their blood. I feinted forward; the hazel-eyed boy shoved the other boy out of the way. The force of my pounce sent me flying headfirst into the wall, which splintered at the impact. My blood was dripping into my eyes, but I ignored it, turning instead to search for the boys. I could hear their hearts pounding, the adrenaline flowing through their veins. _

_I wanted that blood. They were going up the stairs. Clattering, no stealth at all, it was easy to follow them. I rounded the bend at the top of the steps just in time to see them run into a room on my left. I was in no hurry. The hunt was the best part._

_Quietly, I padded down the hall. My mind reeled with anticipation. I could smell the blood. Turning into the room where the boys were hiding, I stopped dead, not seeing them right away. So, they wanted to hide. I could play that game. After several good sniffs, I was able to discern their location. They were under the bed, how childish. Also very problematic. The bed was an enormously heavy old four-poster. The wood was bolted to the floor, probably in anticipation of an attack by me. _

_I snaked a paw underneath the bed, but it didn't connect with anything. The taunting whimpers of fear were driving me mad. I had to kill them. No matter, I could just throw myself into the bed until it gave way. Steeling myself, I slammed headfirst into the solid wooden structure. It gave a satisfying shudder, and I continued until there was so much blood in my eyes, my vision was completely obscured. A bit of the blood dripped into my open mouth. It tasted good. I needed more. Ripping at my leg with my teeth seemed like a good way to start._

"_Bloody hell, James. What is he doing?! He's going to kill himself if we don't do something!"_

"_And what do you suggest we do? If we leave this spot he'll tear us to shreds!"_

_I didn't care what they said. I wasn't interested in their talking or their tears. I wanted their blood. But I couldn't have it. It was so close, just out of my reach. That's what made me extra vicious in my attack on myself. My animalistic howls of anguish could be heard for miles that night._

_There was pain of course, but the need for blood always outweighed that deterrent. Finally, when I was in absolute tatters, the rage fueled by nearby blood subsided, and I lay still, too exhausted to go on. It was nearly sunrise. I wondered vaguely if I would even survive the excruciating transformation back into a boy. No, I would be fine. I had experienced worse nights than this. _

The first peachy tendrils of sunlight touched my face, and I stayed on the floor, enduring it as my howls turned to screams and then to sobs. I always tried so hard not to scream.

"Sirius, he's...back to normal. Come on Sirius, we have to help him or he's going to die!"

James? No, it couldn't be, I thought, before I blacked out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Is he going to be alright Headmaster?" came a tentative voice from somewhere to my left.

"I'm sure that Mr. Lupin has seen much worse in his lifetime," said Dumbledore softly, sadly even. "Boys, I'm afraid that I must impress upon you the seriousness of what you now know. I'm sure that this is not the way he would have liked you to find out. I'll leave you three alone to discuss what has happened, but please remember that this is a secret that must be handled with the greatest discretion. Remus will tell people the truth when he is ready."

I heard two soft murmurs of assent, and then the door clicked as the headmaster left the room. What was going on? My mind felt fuzzy, the way it did after a particularly violent transformation. My eyes shot open to reveal the ceiling of the hospital wing. Last night had been a transformation. Terrible images assaulted my brain. James and Sirius in the Shrieking Shack, the sort of scenario that haunted my nightmares. Oh God.

I began to shake violently. Looking around the room, I saw them in the corner, whispering together and looking very grave. There was a lot of blood on their robes. I prayed that it was mine.

"Please tell me you got out in time," I whispered, causing them to abandon their conversation and rush to the side of my bed. "Please say that you left when I told you to." I was trembling so violently now that I thought that the bed must be shaking. They couldn't be hurt. I had worked so hard—spent my whole year—trying to keep them safe. The world wouldn't be so cruel. I couldn't have hurt them.

Sirius touched my shoulder. "No Remus, don't be so scared. We're both fine. We were in the Shrieking Shack all night. We hid under the bed," there was a note of self reproach in his voice, "You-you really did a number on yourself. I know James and I made it worse."

I breathed again. Nobody hurt. The words spun in my head like beautiful music. Then the crushing weight of what could have been slammed into me. They were in the shack all night. They could have been killed. They could have been bitten. At the very thought I bolted out of bed, ignoring the violent protests of my sore muscles and assorted injuries, and made it halfway to the bathroom before collapsing and being violently ill on the floor.

They were both by my side in a second, James pulling back my hair as my stomach continued to heave. I realized that my mouth was full of blood, probably some internal injury, and spat disgustedly. They supported me back to the bed, and I bowed my head in shame, furious with myself for allowing enemies to see me so pathetic and weak. Because that is what they were now, enemies. Whatever James had said last night, about not caring; he wouldn't stand by today after what he had seen.

Horrific as I felt though, I was also a little relieved. I could practically feel the euphoria I had been floating in for the past months, my months with friends, evaporating and being replaced by the old resignation. Having friends was different, exciting, beyond what I had ever imagined, but at the same time a part of me already knew. Knew all along that it was too good to be true, too perfect to last. At least now I was back in familiar territory. Losing friends was familiar.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'm so sorry. For whatever you saw last night." I meant every word. I was starting to remember now. It was not a pretty picture.

"Why are you sorry?" James said, "_We're_ not the ones who are hurt! It's our fault you got banged up this way." He really sounded remorseful. Was this some sort of prank?

"Still, it's not something people should have to see—"

"_You_ see it every month!" cried Sirius, looking shocked.

"Listen," I said patiently, they were just upset by what they had witnessed, maybe they even felt sorry for me, "I'll have my things out of your room first thing in the morning. I know that we can't be friends anymore," I wondered why it hurt so much more than usual to say, "But I really would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this. I'm not dangerous when I'm human, you see, and I really would like to continue here at Hogwarts..." I trailed off lamely, unsure if this was too much to ask. Apparently it was, because they both looked surprised.

"Remus, we don't want you to move out," Sirius said. It took a minute for the enormous meaning of that statement to sink in.

"But...now you know the truth about me. I'm dangerous to you. If you had gotten hurt last night, I don't know what I would have—"

"It's our own stupid fault for going in," James said, looking somber.

"You-You're _supposed_ to hate me." What on earth was I doing? Persuading them to be prejudiced against me? Remus you idiot! But it felt so unnatural for people to be this accepting. It couldn't really be true. But they were both smiling now. Not furtive, fearful smiles, genuine smiles, smiles that didn't seem to hate me at all.

"Of course we don't hate you, Remus. We hate your condition though, that's horrible stuff mate," said James, flopping into a chair opposite my bed as if that settled it and now everything could go back to normal, well normal as it ever was.

Sirius looked hesitant. "We were talking earlier, and from now on, we're going to try to help you. We can't let you do it alone, it's too awful. From now on, we'll be there for you. Ok?" He gave me a weak, hopeful smile.

"Ok," I said quietly, still disbelieving. With a relieved sigh, Sirius flopped down on top of James, who gave a startled yelp and shoved him off, laughing. I grinned too. I was going to go to Hogwarts. I was going to have friends.

"Thank you," I said, "You two don't know what this...I mean I don't even know how to..." I really didn't know how to express my thanks. James and Sirius looked bewildered. Suddenly, James started laughing.

"Wait until we tell Peter all of this! He'll have a nervous fit!" Cried James, rolling around the floor in hysterics. Sirius started laughing too, and soon the whole hospital wing rang with our fits of merriment. As our laughter subsided, I managed to say again, "Thank you."

They both gave me the smallest half glance, but I thought that this time, they understood.

"And they didn't desert me at all."—POA

A/N: Sorry this wasn't as long or as good as I wanted it to be, but it's so hard to capture the Marauderly awesomeness. Anyway, let me know what you think. Next chapter should be up sooner. I'm thinking of doing one about Remus' first birthday with his new friends.


End file.
